Wanted: Cape Town Wingwoman

As you may know by now, I recently moved to Cape Town. So far it has been a whirlwind of good times and I must say, I absolutely love it here. It would take a hell of a lot to get me back to Joburg for good.

Having said this, I must highlight one of the things I miss most about Joburg: Girlfriends.
@coreenbunnyp, @mia_farris, @lizetheunicorn, @shaan_ashleigh, @elzasmit, @retini, @Lllleanie, @elmasmit, @liela23… you girls made Joburg the place that will always be home…even if I do like to pretend it won’t.

Obviously, because my Boyfriend is possibly THE raddest guy anyone has ever met , he comes with a remarkably enjoyable Gaggle (this is the scientific term for: a collective of) Wingmen. They are a fantastic bunch and have welcomed me into their Man Caves with open (albeit hairy) arms.

The thing is though, that I can only handle so much rugby, perving on potential females for them to briefly court and Tekken. Eventually, I just want to talk about which lipgloss offers the most shine with the least goo, and which of the Kardashian sisters is the least likely to be a good mother.

Unfortunately, it seems most of the Mancave Gaggle have become a little too comfortable in said Man Cave, and there is a very definite lack of estrogen in our little group. The 2 beauties that were once around have fled the country! (Brenda & Bancs…please, come back!)

So, my challenge now, is to find my own group of girlfriends right here in the Mother City. But I thought I’d take it even further… since I’m starting from scratch this side anyway, I might as well find myself a Dedicated Wingwoman.

The girl I can always depend on. The girl who has always got my back. Who thinks I’m the flipping raddest chick ever and I can think the same of her. The girl who, when you are having a bad day, or a fight with The Boyfriend (not that that would ever happen as he is perfect in every way) will come pick you up, tell you she loves, and get you pleasantly inebriated whilst stuffing your face with Red Velvet Cup cakes. The one who, when you are single, will always let you have The Hot One in the the group of boys buying you drinks. Like a sister, but you could choose her.

This is where you can help. Below is a list of things I’m looking for in my new Wingwoman. It’s quite detailed, but I feel that when one is specifically asking for something, one should ask for something specifically.

1. Firstly,  My Wingwoman should be single. This is because I myself am in a very rad relationship, so I will be spending most of my time with The Boyfriend. I need someone whose relationship schedule will never conflict with mine. When I say “Let’s have Girls Night tonight”, when it is already 7pm on a Friday, I don’t need her telling me it’s the 3 week anniversary of the 6 weeks after the 15 minutes before she and her boyfriend kissed for the first time the second time they got back together after that time they broke up. Availability is key.

2. My Wingwoman should not be better looking than me. She may also not be thinner than me. Since all my Joburg Girls are absolute flipping BELTERS I reserve the right to have My Wingwoman be no prettier than me. She should also not be a complete and utter minger- I should be able to look her square in the eye when we converse, without feeling repulsed. She also cannot be a minger because she should of course also attract males who buy her drinks, and offer me one in the process. In fact, if she is pretty much exactly on par with me, that would be perfect.

3. My Wingwoman should also be smart. She should be well-read in all the subjects I enjoy- including social experiments, how the human brain works and rather embarrassingly, all of Marian Keyes works. She should have a vast amount of general knowledge, and be well-informed on a range of my personal interests. She can’t be an absolute flipping genius though. It hurts my brain. This is where @lizetheunicorn falls short. She is just too genius.

4. My Wingwoman should look forward to enjoying the following activities: NOT hiking or gymming. Definitely: Going to the beach. Riding our Johnny Locos around Kalk Bay. Watching Will Ferrell movies and then saying all the funny lines after. Going out for breakfast/lunch/brunch/dinner/brinner/cake/tea/coffee/cocktails & hard-core-binge-drinking. Tanning by the pool drinking cocktails/&union beers/ciders/whiskey. Going to watch bands 2-3 nights a week. Shopping (NOT for shoes).

5. My Wingwoman should enjoy the following topics of conversation: My boyfriend & his awesomeness and good looks (NOT in a creepy I-secretly-covet-your-boyfriend-and-have-illicit-fantasties-involving-him-and-an-open-denim-shirt-on-the-back-of-horse-at-sunset kind of way). The fact that everyone except our immediate friends is a complete and utter idiot and should probably not pro-create. People in TheIindustry, The Industry, and How The Industry Works. My Wingwoman should not constantly want to talk about intellectually stimulating stuff, though she should not be adverse to talking about intellectually stimulating stuff. She should also have a fair number of interesting facts on hand, to keep us up-to-date with the world, and stimulate debate between us. But, of course we will always end up agreeing…that I am right.

6. My Wingwoman should enjoy food. I don’t want to go out with her and be the only one eating. She may be a vegetarian (ask @lizetheunicorn & @shaan_ashleigh…I don’t judge them…much) but she should eat meat when with me. And then she should enjoy it. She should also not be appalled when I eat an entire box of Lindt Balls and then cry about it. She should just rub my back and say “Let’s take a walk around the block. That should burn off those calories.”

7. My Wingwoman should preferably be Unemployed By Choice. This is because I myself am a freelancer. Which leaves me with lots of spare time to go for mid-week movies, adventures etc. and the whole point of having My Wingwoman is so that I don’t have to do them alone. Obviously, My Wingwoman should have some form of income though, so that she never has to stay home claiming poverty. Trust fund baby, perhaps?

8. My Wingwoman should not enjoy dancing. Unless she & I have both been spending an equal amount of time with our good friend Whiskey. In which case she must be mad keen on dancing. But she must never be able to dance like a black girl-even if she thinks she can.

9. My Wingwoman should have a car. And a drivers licence. She should also not be adverse to abstaining from alcohol and being Honorary Designated Denise in the event of me being keen on a Big Night.

10. My Wingwoman should always tell me I look pretty and thin. Except of course when I don’t look pretty OR thin. In which case she should be painfully honest, without actually inflicting any pain.

11. Naturally, the Man Cave boys (including The Boyfriend should) be mad keen on her. Not in a sexual way of course (especially not The Boyfriend) , since that could quite possibly lead to her having a Boyfriend of her own, which would definitely NOT be ideal. But they must be happy to have her around at all times, and be comfortable with entertaining her when The Boyfriend and I nip away for a bit of a make-out.

12. She should live in such close proximity to me, that popping over to her house for a spot of nail polish remover is not absurd and out of the question. This is where all My Girls fall short. What, with them being in Joburg and all. So somewhere mid-way between Muizenberg and Hout Bay would be perfect.

Well, that’s pretty much it really. Too much to ask? I don’t think so. I mean, My (future) Wingwoman and I could potentially be a large to very large part of the rest of each other’s lives. Of course, eventually, once I am engaged and she has helped me plan my wedding, has written her speech about how wonderful I look and how much she loves her Maid of Honour gown and hosted me an epic Bachelorettes (with not even one ridiculous male *gag* stripper *full-on vom*) she too, may have a boyfriend of her own. She’ll have to hurry with her own dating, engagement and wedding though, because of course we will have to be pregnant together. And I have dibs on all names ever, in the history of the world for my baby, which she completely understands and agrees with.

You can apply via email or Twitter and if you look like you might be the Wingwoman for me, I will arrange a date for an interview. This might involve a night out, or a girly lunch to assess our chemistry.

Your Potential BFF


5 responses to “Wanted: Cape Town Wingwoman

  1. Brilliant! Laughs all round.

    (ps i live in simon’s town *cough*)

  2. Natatack.If ANYONE responds to this ad and fits the profile, please stay as far away as possible from her. Clearly the bitch is crazier than you!

  3. I think that what you are asking for, is a friendly slave…

  4. you make me laugh my friend, i hope ur potential new wingwomen can see through all the blurb and realise they are infact appling for a position that will leave them at ur utter mercy for the rest of eternity or until u get bored(lucky biatch), see not so bad, while u at it see if you can find me a live in stylist i need one….. luvies Miss Kel.

  5. Nat

    That’ll be your best bet

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