Rugby… What a bizarre game. On Saturday I watched the game between the Sharks and the WP. All I saw was a boy called Lambie…
In case you are not familiar with the “sport” here is what I could gather:
Rugby is a game with three teams. Two teams consisting of 15 (+-) grown men who wear matching outfits. And another team of an unspesified number of men. They don’t have to dress the same, but often tend to anyway. (Especially if they live in Pretoria and drive white 4×4’s)
Most of the men on the Matching Teams have funny ears and thighs that could crush your head. They are all giants except for one. He is a fast runner who can get into small places between the Giants’ thighs.
Then, the men on the Third Team gather in a pub of some sort and engage in banter as to which colour team looks the prettiest on the field. I personally find it quite hard to decide as they all look equally unpretty to me.
The men wo don’t match (Team 3) start the game about 90 minutes before the men on the field. The game in the pub kicks off with enormous mugs of beer, and people putting money in a jar, trying to guess which team will get the most 3’s. (Note* This may confuse you later in the game, because scoring a 3 actually means you score a 5.)
By the time the game on tv kicks off, the game in the pub is well under way. It just gets more noisy, and girls get ignored for the next 80 minutes. There are no rules in the Pub Game except for: Your hand may never ever be void of a drink, and you may under NO circumstances answer your cellphone.
The rules of tv rugby are:
Men may hug, but only from the waist down.
If you want to give your friend the ball, make sure he is behind you, to slow things down.
Also make sure he is wearing the same outfit as you (<—NB!)
Once you have the ball, you should run as fast as you can toward the wall of Giants on the opposite colour, and try to get past them. You may use clever tactics such as: the “side-step”.
Behind the Giants is an enormous H (possibly for: Hell, Home or Hemorrhoids) and you need to do an epic and dramatic dive before sliding on your tummy to just over that line in order to score a Three That Is A Five.
If you are not crushed or trampled during this effort, you get rewarded with the chance to kick the ball over the H. If you manage, your colour friends are awarded 3 points. (Not to be confused with “a three”).
Things you may not do in the game of Rugby:
Cry (unless you are the Winning Team in the Cup of Currie -which, by the way sounds delicious- match)
Hit/Bite/Kick the other boys (Unless you do so when you are engaged in a scrum, and the tv cameras cannot see you)
Touch other boys above their “Secret Places”
Throw the ball in the natural fashion of “forward”
Refuse to put your head between the bigger Giant’s thighs because “it’s icky”
That’s pretty much how I understand the game.
Once the tv game is over, the Pub Team (team 3) have to get very drunk. Either to show their anguish if their tv team lost, or to show their support if their tv team won. They may also embrace tightly, yet briefly to convey the same emotions.
Girls are now also allowed to speak again, as long as they are joining the boys in discussing it all in detail for the next 70 minutes.
One person who never has any friends to play with after the game, is The Ref. Most people hate him. Mainly because “He knows nothing about The Game” or because he is always “Batting for the Other Team”…or something to that effect.
So there you have it. Rugby explained.
It’s pretty easy actually, once you’ve got the gist of it.