Things I Fear

In this big dangerous beast of a world we live in, there is a lot to be afraid of. Thankfully the Afrikaans woman in me fears NOTHING!

Except this list of completely ridiculous things:

Leeches

AAAAAARRGRHFKSDALFKNAWLKFNLRTGNLK….

FNSLKDNFKLNSFDKLALDKAJDLKANSFLKANF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just Googled “leeches” to show you how icky and disgusting they are…not to mention DANGEROUS! Note to self: NEVER Google that again!

I fear that my original fear is now even greater and I may have to be carried into any water (including the sea and perhaps even hot tubs) for the rest of my +-60 years on Earth. As it is, I enter any dam, lake, river etc only up to my knees before- ok that’s a lie. I’m trying to sound brave. I only walk in up to my ankles. Then I do a completely ungraceful belly flop into this foot of water. The flop is generally accompanied by a raspy shriek and embarrassing face.

I blame my debilitating fear of leeches on a movie I watched as a kid. In one scene a bunch of boys are swimming in a dam in their underpants. One kid gets out, pulls a funny face, looks down into his tighty whities and pulls out a giant, blood sucking, demon leech! People, it was ON his hoo-hoo!!!! AAAAHHHHHHGGG!!!!

Orange

This is possibly my most ridiculous of all ridiculous fears. I don’t defend it. It is truly silly. But it is a fear none the less.

I only fear the actual colour. Looking at it, and then also touching it. I’m saddened to see how many people are under the impression that orange is an appropriate colour to decorate their homes with. Even more troubling is peoples warped perseption of colour matching ie. orange+brown.

Orange objects I do not fear:

Oros, oranges, nik-naks, mangos

Speaking of which: I do not fear flying with Mango. At all. In fact, I feel most at home on a Mango Flight.

 

I could never be friends with the people who live here... they don't even own a coffee table

 

Crossing the road

Valid reasons to fear crossing the road:

Death

Dropping your phone while running across the road just before a car smashes it to shrapnel

Being arrested for crossing where it is not legal to cross and ending up spending Life In Prison

Being hit by a car and NOT dying

Accidental Tax Fraud leading to Life in Prison

I once heard about this lady. She was in her 50’s and had always a law-abiding citizen. She had a good job and a lovely family. I’m guessing she probably did a whole bunch of charity work too. In fact, I’ll bet she adopted kittens who had birth defects too. She paid her taxes all her life…or at least, she thought she did. One day, after like, 25 years with the same tax dude BOOM! She gets arrested. Turns out Mr Tax Dude hadn’t been paying her taxes after all. He’d been living a cushy little life with her tax money.

No one is your friend in a court of law.

Life in Prison.

See, now I tried to give you a picture of what this poor woman’s situation might look like. But when  I Googled “Women Behind Bars” all I got was porn sites. That pretty sums it up really.

“What’s his name?” “HER name is Michelle.”

 

It's a beetroot!!

 

What is the above?

Those of you who answered “Baby” are all incredibly clever and should go live on an island together.

Now the rest of you, tell me…is that a Boy Baby or a Girl Baby?

Ha!! TRICK QUESTION!!

No one knows! Unless you personally own one of your own, babies are completely ambisextrous till at LEAST 5 years of age.

I fear the awkwardness that comes with asking “What’s her name?” to the Mom of a baby boy so much, that I try to rather just ignore people with babies completely. Like speed limit signs, or people from my high school.

If I absolutely MUST ask, I have this sneaky little tactic that I like to employ:

In my cutest, most interested voice I say to the actual infant in question, looking it straight in the eyeball “What’s your name?” See how smart I am? Can’t go wrong there.

You know why? Cause babies can’t talk! That’s why. Mommy or Daddy immediately appreciates my interest and 100% of the time answers with “*insert baby name here*” to me, followed by “hey?” to the baby. Like they are just making sure.

Death By…

 

This child is playing on death's doorstep

 

Summer is perfect in every way. Except for one. Just put your head under water in the pool and listen, and you’ll know what I’m talking about. In the deep dark every pool, lies a vicious monster waiting to attack. Sometimes, late at night, you can hear it from your bedroom as it comes up for air. Sucking violently, wailing into the night…. “I’m coming for you! Don’t swim alone… I will suck up your feet!”

There is only one way to protect yourself from the danger that lies beneath: Never turn your back on the Kreepy Krauly.

Other than that I’m not afraid of much. Except a life without music. And hiking trips.

But other than that, nothing.

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One response to “Things I Fear

  1. No fear babe …. Have raised two kids …. Me I am invincible !!! And prehistoric according to my two metalhead teenagers! Therein lies the reason I Am fearless ….. Ever listened to pigsquealing and death vocals?

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