As I’ve said many times before, the Roads of Joburg are a dangerous beast…one that mere novices and Capetonians should never try tame.
Because of this, whenever I get in my car, I get my game face on. I focus only on two things: bbm, and twitter. Oh, and the road of course. So that’s three then.
I don’t look around and smile at strangers. I often devour a Nando’s and I generally say the dirtiest of swearwords in random drivers directions.
That’s the way I drive. Like the Joburg girl I am. I attack a gap at the first sign of an innocent slower downer. I flash at people doing 80 in the fast lane. (Not my boobs, of course. And only if they haven’t yet been killed by someone in a BMW or Merc) I eat and talk on the phone and apply my make-up and moisturize my hands and take off my shoes and sing along to some Biffy Clyro. At the same time!
Today was one such occasion. As I was in the queue for the William Nicol turn off, the Chinese New Year came and went…women all over the world lived past their first tri-mester of pregnancy, the leaves in New York turned to shades of yellow and orange…THAT’S how long I was in traffic!
I was mid tantrum due to a completely fruitless conversation with a computerized retard over at Vodacom HQ. I was navigating The Beast and I was… Being hooted at?!?!
Yes, that’s right! As I swung my head to the right, my eyes met with the perpetrators. He just smiled and waved!!! Like THAT hasn’t been used before by a group of mischievous cartoon penguins attempting to escape a ship!
I just narrowed my eyes (which was a futile act of fury, I must admit as my eyes were behind my sunglasses).
“Boop boop” AGAIN!! Double hoot this this time!!
“Yes, fine. Just go ahead.” I slacked down & let him in. Karma points and all.
Also, I was far too busy fighting with my BBerry to swear out of my window at this BMW driver. Oh, did I forget to mention that he was driving a BM? Ah, that must be because I assumed you already knew that only a BMW driver would even attempt this heinous act of tomfoolery on a national road.
Eventually, just as the sun was rising on tomorrow in Australia I made it onto William Nicol.
Would you believe ANOTHER hoot from BMW Traffic Ruiner?!?!
As I was about to let loose and burn his ears with a flood of furious swearwords, he motioned for me to open my window. Expecting a heartfelt apology, I obliged.
Mid 35’s. Black hair greased back. Business attire. Ed Hardy iPhone cover. BMW… Classic douchebag.
“How are you?” THAT is what he said. Am I kidding? NO! I’m not even kidding!
“I’m fine.” Thanks for the chat Ed, now stop with the effing hooting.
As I start to close my window, Ed shouts “I just wanted to tell you, you are absolutely gorgeous!”
Is Ed for realsies?!?!
“Thank you.” No need to be rude. Plus, I was caught off guard and couldn’t think of anything rude fast enough.
“Can I have your number?” Ed!! Is this man kidding me?? Does this even happen in real life?? Ashton! Am I being punked???
“Uh, no. Sorry. ”
“Why??” Ed obviously doesn’t hear ‘no’ very often. He is visibly shocked, and it seems…happy?? to be told off.
Classic. CLASSIC douchebag.
“I don’t date men who drive BMW’s.”
Well, that got Ed to piss off.