I cannot…

Here’s a useless little fact for you: I love lists. LOVE them. I love writing them, agonising over them ie: Is it ok to just list “toiletries”…or should I lay down the specifics: “Toothpaste, Shampoo, Conditioner”…etc. I spend hours doing this.

 Crossing things out, and making little stars next to every item on said list. Also, I always write them by hand. I have notebooks ALL OVER just filled with lists. They are a favourite pass time of mine.

I’ve decided to share one of these lists with you. I just know it will inspire you to become just as inexplicable list-obsessed as I am.

This one is called:

People I literally CANNOT take seriously

*It’s not that I judge these people… well, OK, it is

1. People who wear running shoes with non-running clothes

Like, for instance: jeans with tekkies. No. All I can possibly think of to explain this hideous rapeage of fashion is that you are planning on robbing/assaulting someone and need to be sure that your footwear enables you to make a speedy, comfortable getaway.  

2. People with Playboy bunny tattoo’s

What you don’t know (and I obviously do because I have infinite wisdom and it is a widely known FACT that I am an oracle of information) is that that little bunny is in fact an ancient symbol used by pimps, to identify their staff. So the reason I can’t take you seriously, is because you didn’t do sufficient research into the Underworld and It’s Symbols before permanently inking your skin for all of eternity.  

3. People who list their career as “Model”

Honey, be honest now.  Is your only source of income, being paid by various brands & magazines to wear their products and be photographed for actual public use? If so, by all means, broadcast it to the world that you are a Model. Because, you are.

HOWEVER… if you got given a business card on your last trip to the mall, by a teenager telling you “you have great potential to do some work” for their “agency”, then your dad had to pay a couple of thousand bucks so a photographer could take some pictures of you in front of his white wall and now you have a “portfolio” with a full 5 photographs in that you carry around under your arm like your ribs might collapse outward without its constant stability… you are NOT a model.  You are just a pretty girl/boy/boygirl.

4. People who drive sports cars

I’m sorry. I just cannot. I need to know why you feel the need to sit inside, and drive around, surrounded by millions of rands for all the world to see. I also need to know if you are living in a shack. Because, probably, you are. If not…you are definitely living with your parents. Especially if you are in your 20’s. Then it’s even harder for me to take you seriously.

Because you would rather get pocket money from your daddy to take a girl out, (obviously you would have to take her out…how else would she be lucky enough to experience the brut power that is your GTI/BMW/Other Fast Expensive Car that I don’t know the name of? Also, let’s not forget…you live with your parents) and drive a speed machine of destruction, than actually have independence and some credible qualities that girl’s (with more than air in their heads) appreciate.

5. People who Veet….especially male people

I cannot. Guys….why? What is it that attracts you to this bizarre obsession with hair removal? Is it the alluring, pungent, lingering sulphur smell that emanates from your skin for the next few days? Is it the fact that your legs will now be prettier than your girlfriends’? Is it the fact that you have had a secret, dirty obsession with baby seals for most of your life?

Either way… I cannot take you seriously. As a man. As a dolphin walking on land…yes.

6. Men who have cars/superbikes/exposed upper bodies in their Facebook Profile pics

Wait, that came out wrong… I can actually take you seriously.

As a chauffeur/man compensating for something (wonder what) /mannequin.

7. People who don’t vote

Don’t be surprised! How do you expect me to take you seriously? All this commentary on politics and “the state of the nation”…yet you refuse to use the only actual chance you DO have for absolutely anyone to care what you have to say?

Everything that comes out of your mouth, relating to this country is completely null and void to me.

8. People who list “whatever is on the radio” as their favourite music

Puh-leez. You obviously lack everything. From an opinion, to emotions, to a past, to good taste. You are an empty shell. Well, two empty shells. Stuck on either side of an empty head.

9. People who “never wear any make-up. ever!” (and are girls)

I cannot. Because you just seem too high maintenance for me to actually converse with.

Seriously? You are willing to rather walk around with bags under your eyes after a long night of tequila, or looking paler than a ginger who grew up in a cloud, or like someone who cannot convey any emotion besides absolute shock/surprise due to lack of any eyebrows…just to be able to tell people this is all your very own natural “beauty”?

Pfft. Seriously. Highlight your positives and minimise your negatives. It’s not “female oppression enforced by a male and his fantasy of the ‘flawless’ woman”… its basic human nature. You think a product that says “100% pure juice” doesn’t have some less-than “100% pure” additives? There’s no need to blast it in our faces! We just care that it looks nice and is going to taste pretty good too.

There are soooooo many more People I Cannot Take Seriously. SO MANY!!!!

But I’m saving them for a rainy day.

If there are any People You Cannot Take Seriously…please drop me a comment. I just want to make sure I’m not taking them seriously either.


12 responses to “I cannot…

  1. ha ha ha ha flippen AWESSSSOMMMEEEE

  2. Quite a comprehensive list, however, label whores. Brand sluts. “I’m wearing this, etc.” I have no time for super materialistic crap. phew. That sounds very harsh. It’s not meant to, just winds me up.

    And people who don’t like Seinfeld. I don’t get it.

  3. 1. any politician that says ” i promise….”
    2. Justin Bieber

  4. there’s nothing wrong with not wearing makeup.
    all the others, i tend to agree with.

    pfft. playboy bunny tatts. pfft.

  5. People who blog…

  6. mia-anne ferreira

    People who cannot spell. Trying to seduce someone with spelling mistakes in your sms,bbm,email,or love-letter. NO!!! Example:’regtag’ – ‘regtIg’, ‘prety’ – ‘pretTy’. ‘Intrieqe’ – ‘intrigue’

  7. This ise best thing I’ve read in a long while.

  8. “A dolphin walking on land” I know people like that…is that wrong?

  9. Once again you have proven the worth of the List. Thanks @natalieroos for such an insightful and brilliant insight!

  10. Love it!

    I have a list from here (Cape Town) to Joburg of people who I cannot take seriously.

  11. Amen babe…. I cannot do people who don’t smile …. Life is Fabulous!

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