Radar…I’d rather have Gaydar

In a recent conversation with a (male) friend about a mutual friend, I was stating some doubts regarding Mutual Friend’s sexual orientation. Mutual Friend lives as a straight man…even going so far as to pursue girls I know. But I have serious reservations about him being on the “straight” and narrow… 

  

Male Friend, exhausted after back-and-forth Me:”he is gay” Him:”no he’s straight” debate, looked me straight (pun not intended) in the eyeballs and asked “Natalie, do you just think all men are potentially gay?”  

The short answer… is Yes.  

Call me a cynic, but after 8 years in the Joburg tv industry, I find myself wondering whether there are many if any, straight guys left in and around the Joburg area.  

On a night out with my GBF (gay best friend to the straight men out there) in Joburg’s Risque, I was complaining “I’m NEVER going to find a straight guy in Joburg!” A fabulous passer-by turned to me, flicked his hair and said “Honey, not if you keep hanging out in gay clubs.”  

Now I realise that my industry is one with a remarkably higher acceptance rate towards gay people. It’s a creative industry, populated by open-minded individuals. It’s completely acceptable to be gay, so people have no issues with being open about it.  

I assume it must be different in say, the medical field. I expect it’s less common to walk into a male doctor’s office to find a shrine to Wentworth Miller above his desk. But in tv-land, that is common place. Shrines all over!  

So remember that this little story is written purely from my experience. Experiences like being on set with 5 men, all of whom are gay. Director, lighting, camera, sound, presenter. This is my lifestyle. And I love it!! I LOOOOOOVE me some gays!  

They will ALWAYS go shopping with me. And they don’t mind, in fact they ENJOY me bitching about stupid people! They laugh and bitch with me as we sip on pink drinks and enjoy copious amounts of sushi. After which we go watch New Moon. AGAIN.  

They give the BEST fashion advice, and aren’t scared to tell you “Yes, those pants DO make your bum look fat. But let’s be honest, you have been going a little heavy on the chelsea buns lately…”  

They are like girls, but boys. They will spend girly time with you, AND tell you the honest truth about your appearance that your boyfriend is too scared to. So, you in fact look better for your boyfriend, cause The Gays made you leave your Fat Arse Pants at home.  

We NEED The Gays!!  

I heart The Gays… and, having a substantial circle of gay friends and colleagues has definitely kept me well in tune with my Gaydar. I know them well, and I can spot them a mile away.  

Here is a list of ways you too can improve YOUR Gaydar. Perhaps you will even find your very OWN GBF!! Or, it will help you figure out why your boyfriend is so keen on playing rugby… Either way, it’s a Win-Win.  

Things straight boys do not do (Unless they are secretly gay boys):  

Straight boys do not use the word “Totes”  

or “Fab”  

or “Oh Em Gee”  

Straight boys do not cry when Edward proposes to Bella  

Straight boys do not take themselves seriously in Speedo’s  

Straight boys cannot move their hips like Shakira (Hips don’t lie)  

Straight boys do not fly to Europe for end of season Fashion Sales  

or shoes  

Straight boys’ palms do not face the sky when they are smoking  

Straight boys do not refer to their male friends as “Babe”…ever  

Straight boys do NOT feel up other boys arses, then say “kidding”…and slap them on the bum.  

Then follow that with a bum squeeze  

Straight boys do not slap people- they punch them…or they run away. But they NEVER slap  

Straight boys do not count the carbs of their sushi platter  

Straight boys are not okay with standing on their knees, behind their mate, pulling down his pants, repeatedly slapping him on the bum, and injecting him with steroids  

Straight boys do not spoon their mates. No, not even when it is cold  

Straight boys do not call you a “bitch” for “ruining” their new shoes in a club  

Straight guys’ pinkies are NOT in the air when they drink a shooter  

Straight guys do not sing you voice mails  

Straight guys don’t hug each other when shirtless  

Straight guys will go on holiday to a destination where they can’t plug in their GHD’s  

Straight guys don’t do their mate’s hair  

Straight guys don’t help their mates Veet  

Also, they do not Veet  

Straight guys do not think boobs are useless, inanimate objects that should be covered at all times by AT LEAST a bra, if not a t-shirt  

Straight boys do not have manicured nails. Unless their girlfriend is a manicurist and pays them in favours to sit still so she can practise on them  

Straight guys do not, and should not wax their eyebrows. This does NOT include the unsightly “Unibrow” which should be waxed, religiously, whenever it shows a hint of returning, for all of eternity  

Straight guys own less pairs of shoes than their girlfriends  

Straight guys do not refer to their underpants as “lingerie”  

Straight guys do not use foundation. Ever. (Unless they appear on television on a regular basis, and even then, they should complain about it and remove it straight after)  

Straight guys do not brush off naked girls to watch tv. Even Top Gear  

Straight guys do not flirt with gay guys when they are drunk. Even when they are VERY drunk  

Straight guys do not have “Guy Crushes” on other guys  

Straight guys do not call your outfit “SO last season”  

Straight guys do not say “Nothing touches this face except Dermalogica”  

Straight guys do not flick their hair with the back of their hand before saying something mean  

Straight guys don’t think eating meat is “Yucky” 

Straight guys do not have the Sex And The City theme song as their ringtone

Straight guys do not own a Beyonce album

And that pretty much sums it up. I know this is a lot to remember, but here is my general rule of thumb: “If a guy looks gay, dresses gay, talks gay and is only friends with guys who are gay…he is possibly… In the tv industry.”  

Thank me later.  

*Thanks to @lizetheunicorn for her own personal input, and experience regarding The Gays  

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2 responses to “Radar…I’d rather have Gaydar

  1. haha. i love this post. just made my day

  2. Ha ha. Very funny (and oh so true).

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