The Drunk

This is the tail of  The Mermaid and The Drunk and the fun they had together.

I’m sure many girls would agree, that a drunk boyfriend in times of one’s own sobriety, can be very annoying and often lead to grievous bodily harm/verbal abuse and often death of said boyfriend.

My hope, is that girls all over the world will read this story, and realize just how much fun one can have with a drunken boyfriend. Perhaps this tail can even save a life.

On the morning after one Boyfriend’s Boys Nights, the Mermaid arrives at Boyfriend’s house, at the pre-arranged hour of 9am, ready for their breakfast date. Right from the start, Mermaid can tell that something is not right.

First of all, Boyfriend is wearing his underpants, and a Going Out Shirt. This could mean: a) Boyfriend has lost all inhibitions, as well as sense of what is/is not appropriate attire to wear to breakfast. b) Boyfriend is in the middle of dressing, and needs Mermaids expert fashion advice before attempting any further dressing. c) Boyfriend is….

Mermaid now realizes that Boyfriend’s eyes are unnaturally glazed, his cheeks are flushed, and apart from his usual endearing lisp, he is now also slurring. Not only that, but Boyfriend is now SINGING!! At the top of his voice. A song about Mermaid being “the most beautiful mermaid in the whole entire Ekurhuleni West…”

Following him to the kitchen, Mermaid notices that Boyfriend is not too steady on his feet. Also, he seems to be part of some imaginary race, to be the first to finish every form of fluid in Kitchen and surrounds. Mermaid manages to save him, as he narrowly escapes downing the nearby dishwashing liquid.

At this point, two things dawn on Mermaid…1) Boyfriend is not in fact, partially dressed, but partially un-dressed. 1.a) Boyfriend did not Go To Bed, but in fact Passed Out *Mermaid knows this, because Boyfriend is mad keen on his clothing, and would never Sleep in a shirt that was meant for Going Out* and 2) Boyfriend is in fact… Still Drunk.

Here, Mermaid reaches a cross-road. She could either go down Annoyed Boulevard, and give Boyfriend hell for obviously forgetting their breakfast date… or… she could take Make The Best Of It Street, and help The Drunk prepare for their date.

After laughing at, helping up, and cleaning up after The Drunk (previously known as The Boyfriend), Mermaid gets him out the door.

Now, here is a detailed list of exactly what you can get up to when you have 1 x Willing Mermaid, 1 x Drunken Boyfriend, and many unsuspecting victims at a Shopping Mall.

1.         The E-mail

            For this you will need, 1 x BlackBerry, 1 x Spam Mail and 1 x Sense of Humour

The Drunk receives 1 x Spam Mail that reads as follows:

Subject: RE: Soccer Fever Cooler Bags

*The rest is very boring, and all you really need to hear is the reply, anyway*

Mermaid and The Drunk have a good laugh composing the following reply…

Subject: RE: Soccer Fever Cooler Bags

Dear Jan,

I’m currently lying in hospital with a Soccer Fever of almost 56 degrees. I’m very interested in purchasing a Soccer Fever Cooler Bag. Do you have them for human bodies?

*1 New Email*

Hi The Drunk* (name changed to protect the inebriated)

I’m sorry to hear that the Soccer Fever can go that high. Our Soccer Fever Cooler Bag’s will be able to bring the fever down, but not break it, I’m afraid.

I hope you get well soon, and regain your strength so that you are able to blow the Vuvuzela.

Regards, Jan


Hi Jan,

I must admit that I am somewhat disappointed to hear that the Soccer Fever cannot be broken. Although I suppose this will be useful during the cold winter months to come.

I hope to be able to blow the Vuvuzelas with the best of them soon. Thank you for your concern.

2.         The Questioning Of The Buffalo Wings

            For this you will need : 1 x young/dumb-looking waiter, 1 x Outspoken Drunk, 1

x  Fire Starter Mermaid

The Drunk (to Waiter): “Sorry, these buffalo wings…are they actual buffalo? Or are they chicken?”

Waiter: “No sir, they are actually just chicken wings.”

The Drunk: *outraged* “Well, why do they call them buffalo wings?!”

Waiter: *nervous giggle* “I actually don’t know…”

The Drunk: “Well, can you Google it at least?!”

Mermaid: “You see, the reason we ask, is because according to my religion, I’m not allowed to eat any buffalo. And his religion *points to The Drunk* says he’s not allowed to eat any chicken.”

Waiter: “Um, well, in that case… I suggest the Nachos.”

2.b       The Outrageous

            For this you will need: 1 x incredibly hungry Drunk, 1 x Fast Talking Mermaid, 1

x Good Natured Black Waiter (he must be black, so as to relate)

Because of his drunkenness, The Drunk felt he needed not only a Crème Soda, Chocolate Milkshake, T-bone steak, with buffalo wings AND chips… but a cheeseburger too. So that’s; 1 meal for The Mermaid, and 2 for The Drunk… a total (for those who are mathematically-challenged) of 3 meals.

The Waiter #2 brings to the table  necessary tools for the meal to commence, and even though there are only 2 people seated at the table, he uses his initiative, and sets a table for 3.

Mermaid: “Oh, no thank you. There are only 2 of us at the table. But The Drunk is having 2 meals because he is eating for 2. *whispers in a matter-of-fact, yet conspiratorial manner* He’s pregnant…”

*Waiter 2 laughs with gusto*

The Drunk: *Keen to get out of here ASAP, as he is beginning to feel the drunkenness wear off, and the hangover kick in* “And please can you bring us the bill so long.”

Mermaid: *Keen to make excuses for The Drunk’s obvious lack of appreciation for the time and effort that should be spent on a Date* “Yes please, we really must run. He might go into labour any minute.”

*Waiter 2 is now genuinely entertained, and is ready to get in on the action*

Waiter 2: “And what are you going to call the baby?”

Mermaid: “Bongiswa. We want to bring up our BEE Points.”

So ladies, enjoy it, embrace it…love it


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