Heathrow…a little Highbrow

Heathrow is a little Highbrow…

When I was 19 years old, I decided that the time had come, to spread my little wings, and head on over to London.

Aaah yes, the way of the Modern South African Youth. You finish school… you board a plane to London. You do the jobs that their pasty white youths are too pissy-bitch to execute. The jobs you would never even DREAM of subjecting your milky white hands to in your own home country. You earn minimum wage. You live in the left hand corner of the 2x2m bedroom you share with another South African you’d never met before you stepped foot in Wimbledon. You don’t pay your heating bill (obviously you need that money for drinks). You pick up 15-30kg’s. You LIVE! (???!!!)

I, on the other hand… am not able to think of a worse scenario. No my friends. I was going over…to LEARN. Yes, learn. I had recently obtained my Diploma in Make-Up art (I need to use big words like “obtained” to prove to people that I didn’t study make-up because of mental retardation…just because I actually LIKE make-up), and I was going to the City of  Foreigners to do an internship with a prominent Make-Up Artist. Not only was I going for educational purposes, I was going to be working with this woman for FREE! NO PAYMENT.

So, I buy my ticket, I exchange every cent I have into a few fistfuls of pounds and I board a plane. All my paperwork is in order. My Mother has strapped my incredibly sexy flesh-toned money belt firmly around my waist, and I am ready to experience LIFE! BOOM!

Uneventful plane trip over. No terrorist bombers. No ripping-off of sexy money belt in my sleep. Yes, things look good.  

Little did I know… The terror and torment that awaited me at the World’s Best-Disguised Torture Chamber…

When you land at Heathrow, you get separated into 3 categories:

1)British Citizens.

They get welcomed home by an entire symphony orchestra. They also receive princess crowns-for girls and gays- and motorbikes-for boys and girls who want to impress boys.


They get welcomed into London by go-go dancers, singing in their native tongue, and a firm handshake.

3)All Others (read: Terrorists, Potential Terrorists, Known Sexual Predators, Drug Mules, Homosexuals, South Africans, Americans, People with limps-even those whose one leg is just asleep from epic journey across the nations, and anyone at all with a slight tan, or headgear of some sort)

This category gets welcomed in with knowing glares, general dodgy service, suspicion, and sometimes, if they are lucky…they get treated to the character-building exercise I was fortunate enough to be subjected to.

So, I walk to the counter with the sign that says: “Foreign African Scum”…or something to that effect.

Here, I am greeted by Fiona Coin from Weakest Link. Could have been her look-alike, but can’t be sure.

I hand over the flip file of documents I have had to lug across the globe with me. Flip file contains: Passport (South African—curse my middle class Grandparents and their African heritage), Copy of bank statements since conception, Letter from boss indicating that I have a steady job, and will be returning to it after my 3 month holiday, Numbers of every person I have ever met, now living in London, stating that I will be staying with them, for short periods of time, as their guest. NOTE: No VISA!!!

Immigrations Woman: *somehow managing to keep beady little accusing eye on me at all times, as she flips through my papers* “Where is your visa?”

Me: *looking scared as hell-no acting required* “(Well Fiona,) I don’t have one, as I’m only here on holiday.” *This was when South Africans could go on holiday to London for up to 3 months without a Visa* *Think I might have ruined it for everyone* #sorry

Fiona: ”How long?”

Me: “Three months.”

Fiona: *Now looking outraged, as well as suspicious* “Do you expect me believe, that a South African (obviously, this word tastes bad, because she looks like she is trying to spit it out) can afford to come to THE MOST expensive city in the WORLD for THREE MONTHS on holiday?!” *This woman does not mince her words, let me tell you*

Me: “Um, well, I have brought my life savings with me?”

Fiona: “Who are you staying with?”

Me: (Fiona, it’s right there in front of you. On that letter that says who I’m staying with. Are you not able to read? Is this why you are so angry?) “My dad’s cousin. Jethro Kruger.”

Fiona: “How long have you known Mr Kruger?”

Me: “?????” (Fiona, we are family. I have known him since my birth.) “Um, my whole life.”

Fiona: *Now trying new angle* “Isn’t in summer in South Africa now?”

Me: (How, Fiona, is this relevant?) “Yes?” *I’m not sure if this is trick question or not. Start to doubt myself. Is it summer?? It’s Feb…is that still classified as summer?! Should I have said ‘No Fiona, but thank you for asking. It is, in fact, End-Of-Summer.’ Then Fiona might smile-perhaps that’s pushing it, and say, ‘What a clever little African you are! Welcome! Please enjoy your stay with us, and be sure to mind the gap!’*

Fiona: “So, why would you come to winter in London?”

Me: (Fiona, you are a strange, and sadistic woman, and I think I hate you) “Well, I’ve had 19 summers in South Africa, and I don’t really mind the cold.” *Can’t be sure if this is correct answer*

Fiona: *Hands me a piece of paper* “This piece of paper, indicates that I do not believe your story, and the reasons why. Do you understand? Now, sign here.”

Me: “(???)” *sign* *now eyeballs start to leak*

So here I sit, on the wrong side of the Heathrow Immigrations Border. Fiona has gone somewhere-presumably to sharpen her horns and kick some babies and old people. I wonder “Am I going to be deported? Why does Fiona hate me? Is this because I look Asian?”

Fiona returns with a guy who looks like Hugh Grants pantsless buddy in Notting Hill. This lifts my spirits slightly. On closer inspection, I see that it is not him. Back to state of fear/depression/anxiety.

Fiona sends me with Not Notting Hill Guy. My thoughts: “Is this headed toward a cavity search??? Please! No! Nooooo!!!” I try to ask him a question, but it comes out as “Squeek.”

Not Notting Hill guy hands me over to a man with a turban. Is this what happens to suspected terrorists?! They get handed over to fellow terrorists?! Are we going to some form of Terror Club where we swap terror methods and it’s all filmed and aired on the Crime Channel??

No. Turns out this man works for Heathrow Airport (???) (Suicide Worker??) He tells me that he needs to search my bag. So we collect it from the carousel. Being that it weighs 40kg’s, you would expect Turban Man to help me carry it? You would be wrong.

So, I drag my bag along, with Mr Turban uncomfortably close (but not close enough to help carry) to what I can only assume is the Terrorist Search Room. We stop. In the middle of nowhere. Mr Turban orders me to pick up my 40kg bag, and put it on this table. Due to extreme fear, I eagerly oblige.

Mr Turban whips out (I kid you NOT!) a pair of Blue Latex Gloves!!! *Here it comes…the cavity search…in the middle of the TERMINAL!!!…with people EVERYWHERE!!!…*

Turban: “Please unzip your (Pants right??? You’re going to say pants!!!) bag.


*I unzip bag*

Turban starts to remove my clothing. (From the bag you perverts! We already established that this is NOT a cavity search.) Of course, the first thing he displays, for all the world to see would be, my panties. And no, not my Wednesday panties. Not the ones you wear just for the sake of wearing panties. Nope. He removes The Saturday Panties.

Not one to be put off by a good piece of lingerie, he forges ahead. (Real trooper, this one.)

Turban: “Does your bag contain any meat?”

Me: “No?”

Turban: “Pigeon?”

Me: “?????”

Turban continues to remove my meticulously folded clothes from my meticulously packed bag. Obviously this man does not understand that in order to get all this stuff in there in the first place, I had to take 2 days off work, have my clothes folded by an origami artist, inserted into the bag by a midget (small hands) and vacuum packed, and that I am for no reason going to be able to squish it all back in there!!

Once Mr Turban has established that I’m not smuggling any drugs, small African children, pigeon meat (?????) or any other contraband, he orders me to put it all back. UGH!!!! *Is it just me, or does he look somewhat disappointed? Obviously he has yet to find someone with a gram of cocaine/pigeon folded between their Saturday Panties who he can point at and yell: “You see!! EEEEt’s not just my people!! Look!! No nappy on head, but STEEELL TerrorEEEEst!! Arrest thEEEEs pigeon smugglEEEng African woman and beat her wEEEEth my pashmEEEEna!!!”

So, the whole ordeal is finally over, and I am now free to proceed into the streets of London with reckless abandon!!!!




14 responses to “Heathrow…a little Highbrow

  1. KeepEnglandEnglish

    Fucking foreign scum like you pollute our country, take our jobs, homes, benefits, school places and destroy the demographics. Fuck off back to south africa you cunt.

    • wow! those brits really are useless fools! do you kiss your mother with that mouth!??

    • Uh, I dunno if you actually READ this blog, but, as i said, I was there on HOLIDAY!! Just, you know, spending all my hard earned “fucking foreign scum” money. As I SAID, I spent 3 months there, working FOR FREE to LEARN and COME BACK to my lovely, sunny, friendly, land of opportunity, with “jobs, homes, benefits, school places (by the way, what exaclty IS a ‘school place’? Is it the same as a school?) and demographics”all of its own. And please don’t worry your dirty little self, I have had more than enough of your country and would rather throw my money down the drain, than spend it in London. Because you see, judging from your filthy mouth, I can only guess that my hard earned money would be spent supporting you, and your 3 snotty-nosed toddlers in the council housing you live in.

    • KeepEnglandEnglish…. Surely there must be a reason why the South-Africans get the oppertunity to “take your jobs” and “homes”. Can the reason be one of the following? 1) we work harder 2) higher IQ 3) manners (unlike you calling her a cunt) 3) we do not speak English with a invariably common accent. So just keep your mouth shut and go ass-lick the USA like the rest of you.

    • wow you are a total asshole you wanker! I am south african and living in London, and only contributing to your country! It’s people like you that should fuck off in a time machine back to an era where you belong! sorry you just aggravated me! KeepEnglandEnglish I am sure the rest of England would love to kick scum like you out!

    • Sod of a POM. Have you ever been anywhere but the bottom of a coal mine or your local overpriced drinking hole? The English have over the years colonized many African countries and have had their arses kicked out of all of them. Wonder why? Sorry that you showed your class and breeding(interbreeding)? by using the language that you did. Broaden your horizons by spending your dole money on a trip to SA. You might be turned into a member of society. Can you please define the meaning of the word “Demographics” I think you need to go back to one of your “SCHOOL PLACES”

  2. BRILLIANT!!! you made my eyeballs leak from laughter!

  3. Awesome once again.

  4. Wow this is thoroughly amusing! since I can relate to this in more than 1 way and more than 1 time!! well said Mermaid, looking forward to the next!

  5. haha, i actually read the whole thing (which is saying alot). well written, if you ever write a book i’ll read it.

  6. WOW, KeepEnglandEnglish, just a little bit of anger there friend!!! Without us, how did you put it “fucking foreign scum” spending our hard earned money on holiday in your grey, depressing, cold and somewhat miserable country, you wouldn’t be able to be on the doll, now would you!!

    Mermaid, keep it up, BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

  7. keepEnglandEngland: for a start matey you CAN keep your sh*t heap country
    Heres a bit of fact (a few actually!!) NOT just a poxy opinion (like the grotty crap u spilled!) for a start, most south Africans are ONLY here in Britain doing all the jobs the lazy tax thieving English refuse to do!!!!!!!!!!

    This place (the hell hole you call England ) isn’t as far advanced as you morons imply, south Africa for a start in many aspects (not all,but most) is far more developed then most of the ‘uk’, so to start, I suggest you come off your high horse quit your deplorable ”Engerrrland Engerrrland’’ yobbish mantra, as its only but proving the education you quite clearly lack in abundance!!

    South Africa, from a tourist point of view has a lot more attractions then ur beloved ‘’london town” …remind me, what is it you lot big yourselves up on?! Oh ofcourse, its some poxy oversized clock in london along with some shitty wheel that does nothing but show us from the top what an absolute hole this place actually is!! Wow!!SCORE!!!!!..
    iv lived in both countries I have a fair idea and I can factually differentiate between the both- something some how, I don’t think ‘’ur amazing british self can?!…

    You Brits naively assume south Africa is riddled with poverty and we live in huts with zebras on leashes and England is some ‘escape and paradise for us’’ you couldn’t be more misinformed – The lifestyle in south Africa for the working man is 100 times more enriched then how the average working class person here lives (don’t worry I know u and the work word don’t mesh!! I was being generic)

    Why don’t you stop being bitter,stop blaming and hating on the world because better educated south Africans are doing the jobs you yobbing council tax loving twits are incapable of doing… With your quite blatant lack of ‘education’ I can only but ask that you keep your distasteful opinion to yourself and get back to ‘’pint-ing it up’’ in your council funded semi-detached whilst teaching your 5 (probably differently mothered) brood just how to dodge the system and live off the tax and national insurance south Africans are working their bollocks off for!! ONE reason we come here mate( lets forget that its a total waste of time, Shocking Excuse of a holiday destination) we ‘pollute’’ your country – because unfortunately( I cant deny fact) – the pound earns us 12/1 so we save our beans and we piss off back to where life is actually life …im quite fed up of working and paying taxes to educate the British citizen when quite obviously its going up the shitter – as you are a true example of what England’s all about, and have just proved my taxes are evidently not funding a better education, it seems all im aiding with my hard earned money is giving you yobs more benefit income- Yip, that’s it go spend your ‘income support’ on another pint in the local innit!! Its on us ‘safas’!!

    Anyway im bored of you, it’s a ridiculous debate–so rather take your pathetic poor attempted nationalistic attitude along with your disgusting comment and go source fact by strolling around Heathrow and seeing for yourself just what your ‘beautiful’ England’s all about!!– if I were you, South-Africans would be the least of my worries-Heathrow looks and functions like Jinnah International!!

  8. Oh Nat-Atacker! I loved this post. I was literally laughing out loud at the office. People must have thought I was crazy but knowing you and your sense of humour made this even funnier. Love you.

  9. Whew babe …. Got a lot of responses for this one ….. I on the other hand ‘darrell” have not stop chuckling remembering why I never left these borders when I was 19. If I had to face either Fiona or Mr Turban …. The pile of brown stuff would be bigger than a tidal wave ……

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